When you think of Halloween, it’s the kids you think of as being in costume begging for treats. Let’s hope these pups got treats for the dirty trick that was played on them!
Taking the trend of treating the family dog like one of the family to its logical end, let no one be left out for Halloween.
Is it a pilgrim? Is it a witch? This Boston’s in the Halloween spirit whichever the case may be. Photo: Don Hankins
Now 1.5 years old, Nights is already walking and headed towards our terrible twos. Let’s hope that soon we’ll be able to use the potty by ourselves. Here’s a look back at our most-viewed pieces to date.
“Nicknamed the Belgian Waffle, much to the irritation of the Belgian team that constructed it, Uchronia was nearly 200 feet long, 100 feet wide, and 50 feet tall, dominating the Black Rock City skyline.”
“Music gets blasting and four deck games of Kings have been known to break out as people forget there’s a city outside the hostel. If you’re in the 36 bed dorm, bring earplugs as this place does not follow any of the hostel sex rules.”
“Highly illegal. Possession by Guatemalans in not normally prosecuted for personal use, but tourists are commonly arrested and jailed for several days before being released.”
“As a participant, you bring something to offer others — be it an art installation, an open conversation, or a hundred Bloody Marys. The most crucial and basic contribution is to respect and honor all that is around you.”
“Good drinks and good weed are served here at standard prices. The tables have patterns carved into them. They turn a blind eye to smoking inside-if they don’t see it, it’s not there. A lazy cat sits in the window all day to greet you as you come in.”
“Themed clubs or Image Clubs are establishments offering a variety of sexual services in a specifically themed setting. For example, chikan densha, or pervert trains are places where the john enters a look-alike subway car, gropes a number of girls for about ten minutes or so and then chooses one with whom to proceed to a private room.”
“Anyone who believes that Parisians are the world’s most serious people about their appearance has never been to Croatia. In ads, store fronts, everywhere, there is a sense that fashion is not to be taken lightly–and with a population this hot, it’s hardly surprising.”
“It’s supposed to be a 7 mile foot race but instead it’s a 7 mile costume party and keg race that goes through downtown San Francisco. It began in 1906 to keep people’s sprits up after the earthquake and locals are still keeping that alive, in force!”
“This is an awesome bar in an all-around cool hotel. The Condesa DF is decked out in extraordinary design, from the table cloths to the couches. This super-chic hotel only has 40 rooms so make sure to get a reservation, and make sure to hit its rooftop paradise for some cocktails as the sun goes down over Mexico City.”
“It was explained to me once when I laughed at the blue faced, mulleted warriors in Braveheart that the haircut had a practical application. It allowed the wearer to shirk the harmful effects of the sun to the back of his neck while being able wield a weapon with unobstructed vision. Being a diehard utilitarian, I had to take a moment to give the mullet its due before resuming my obnoxious diatribe disparaging the hairdo.”
When you are out in the world bemoaning the fact that Americans are often viewed as spoiled, privileged children with no taste and searching for reasons why, perhaps you need look no further than some of the inventions of our very own American fast food chains.
Only a society hell-bent on the instant satisfaction of its basest needs at rock bottom prices could possibly generate the cuisine that follows. Don’t blame other countries for their love-hate relationship with the country that brings addictive, disgusting foods to their cities that both repulse and attract.
They know it’s disgusting and so do you.
KFC Bowls
I agree with Patton Oswalt that these are one step away from food in a squeezable tube or eating from a trough. KFC layers cheese on gravy on starch upon starch and tops it off with some chicken that is half its weight in deep fried chemical laden breading.
The best part? It can all be shoveled in with a plastic spoon. No time need be lost manually cutting one piece from another, and you can forget about all that pesky chewing – the only part you’ll need teeth for is the chicken, the rest can literally be sucked down. Mmmm-mmmmm! 720 calories of nearly drinkable goodness!
McRib
If you want to get freaked out about fast food, look no further than the McRib. Food Facts will tell you more than you ever wanted to know about something you probably should never have put in your mouth. We know it’s not the first time, but in this case, there’s documentation. “Boneless pork” is the primary ingredient in the McRib sandwich patty – a “boneless pork” sandwich meant to look like ribs in much the same way a Fisher Price hamburger looks like a hamburger.
Photo: jluster Drink in the plastic pallor of the “meat”.
This substance sounds edible, but remember that cartilage is not bone, nor are anuses, lips, intestines or eyeballs. In this case “boneless pork” could be just about anything from the pig with no bone. Food facts shows the inside of one of these babies and the texture of the gray “meat” close up showing its particle board texture beneath a blistery surface of “skin”. At 490 calories, I have seen dogs turn their nose up at a piece of McRib.
McDonalds takes it off the menu and then puts it back on promoting its availability much in the same way the Rolling Stones promote their geriatric selves – “It’s back.” I guess we’ve all forgotten the hauntingly similar catchphrase from Poltergeist II.
Much like a “Bowl” from KFC, this half-pound item from Taco Bell does not require any silverware. Simply slurp down deep fried potatoes with the Bell’s signature seasoned colonic spasm initiator (ground beef), nacho “cheese”, and reduced fat sour cream. It’s important when inhaling half a pound (510 calories or 680, depending on your source) of non-nutrients that the sour cream be reduced fat.
I’m not sure that I need to say any more. I think this photo from Grub Grade speaks volumes.
Pulled Pork Slider
You can thank White Castle for this absolutely appalling name for a sandwich. Apparently the launch of this product was unfortunately timed, coinciding with a major outbreak of the swine flu and I am unable to find any evidence of its current availability. This probably foreshadows a re-release in the style of McRib.
The slogan for this aptly named “sandwich”? Sweet. Saucy. Oh so naughty. Um. I wasn’t planning on having intercourse with it.
Pulled. Pork. Slider. Masturbation. Lubrication. Greasy things “sliding” – in or out – we don’t know – both, I guess. Like every other fast food chain, White Castle counts on our sexual desires being sublimated by engineered food that we can stuff our faces with without having any person to person exchange beyond the question, “Would you like fries with that?” and the possibility that flesh will touch flesh as change is passed through a window. Ever available, it’s hot and ready for you. In one hole and out the other.
Witness the wormlike texture of the pork. It kind of makes you wonder what it was pulled from, doesn’t it? If this is the approved propaganda, we can only imagine the heinousness that the real sandwich would be. Worse than anything a grim, hairnet wearing school lunch lady could unceremoniously ladle onto your tray for sloppy joe day with a wet plop, imagine yourself gleefully and drunkenly devouring these in your car by the dozen and keep your fingers crossed that their return is nigh.
Biscuit Holes
How do you make one of mankind’s greasiest and least healthy foods less healthy than it already is? Form it into balls and deep-fry it, coat it with sugar and serve it with frosting. What evil empire could devise such a horrible and unhealthy food? Hardee’s. Just when you thought that biscuits and sausage gravy were the pinnacle of non-nutritive breakfast foods, Hardee’s launches an ad campaign to grab your attention.
How many times can you hear “a hole” and not look at the TV?
While you may actually be eating “a holes” when you’re dining on a McRib, Hardee’s wants you thinking of “a holes” while you dip your balls into white cream that you bought in a six-pack. In this way, the homoeroticism of eating cream covered “a holes” shaped like balls can be brought back to the heartland in a non-threatening way. How many orders do you think Larry Craig has swallowed? Way to go, Hardee’s.
$500 a night buys you a grounded night’s sleep in Costa Rica’s 727 Fusealage Home.
Launched this year, the 727 Fusealage home in Costa Verde II is a real shocker. Salvaged from a San Jose airplane graveyard, this 1965 Boeing 727 airframe has been converted into a two-bedroom vacation property.
The accommodation was inspired by a Forbes Magazine article about a company offering hurricane-proof living via surplus Boeing 727 airframes. Perched on a 50 foot pedestal, the plane looks like it’s just about to go wheels up.
The inside has been completely gutted and now contains two air-conditioned bedrooms, a kitchenette, a spiral staircase and hand-carved teak furniture from Indonesia. The whole shabang is located on the edge of a national forest, which can be seen from a terrace built around the plane’s entrance.
Check their on site for more details and more neato pics.
Community Connection
Ever jumped naked on a trampoline in your hotel room? That’s some of the craziness people have witnessed outside The Standard Hotel in New York City. Which is nothing compared to what is going on inside Japan’s Freaky Themed Bath Houses and Bars.
Looking for new tunes on this monday? Check out one of the best mixtape series around. Hands down.
Curators of goodness, the We Make It Good crew, teamed up with The FADER back in spring of 2008 to birth a mixtape series called, go figure, the “We Make It Good Mix Series.” Summoning renowned DJs and artists such as Pretty Titty, XXXchange, Blaqstarr and Sinden, they’re going strong on their tenth release. Each volume has a completely unique sound and style that provides a glimpse into the different artists’ genre and tastes.
One recent volume in heavy headphone rotation that’d I’d like to highlight is byPaul Devro of Mad Decent (Diplo’s label and brainchild).
Devro gets all Houston choppy and screwy-like with such tracks as Salems ”Trapador” then seamlessly bleeds into a Skream remix of Mad Decent’s Major Lazer flagship track “Hold the Line.” There are hints of pure gangster, international dance flavor and classic, hot reggae tracks like John Holt’s “Strange Things” and one my personal favs, “Under Mi Sleng Teng” by Wayne Smith, who sounds as Jamaican as John Wayne. If John Wayne road around 24/7 with blunts in his holsters preaching Jah, or just how much he loves smoking weed.
We Make it Good Intro
Salem – Trapdoor
Major Lazer – Hold The Line (Skream Remix)
Kelis – Awww Shit
John Holt – Strange Things
Plies – All Black
Fat Pimp – Check Me Out
DJ Nate – Free
DJ Vielo – Caps Angolano
Ethiopians – He’s No Rebel
Wayne Smith – Under Mi Sleng Teng
Boddhi Satva – Punch Koko + Secret Tamil Hornz
Kyla – Do You Mind (Crazy Cousins Remix) + Screwd
Deee-Lite – Applejuice Kissing
Crookers (Phra) – E.D.S.
Kantik – Punani Bubbling
Bo Diddley – Bo Diddley
Latino Be My Baby Outro
Go to the We Make It Good site to download all ten WMIG volumes with full track listings.
We Make It Good is a self-described “group of writers, curators, dreamers, and thinkers telling stories in spectacular ways through the varied mediums of film, music, art, and experience.” Check them out on Facebook if you like.
Where do 791 grams of beef and the release of Windows 7 collide to create a colossal burger?
Count the seven beef patties that make the Windows 7 Whopper.
Japan.
This burger is the equivalent to seven quarter pounders at 1.74 lbs. If what Gizmodo has to say about Windows 7 is true, the new OS will make things go more smoothly on your computer in inverse correlation to what the Whopper 7 will be doing to your arteries and intestines.
Below, see Cheapy D from CheapassGamer.com as he does battle with the behemoth burger. According to the video, the burger goes for about $14 US. As Cheapy D states of his rendevouz with this artery clogger during the Window 7 launch party, “We’re gonna be having our own launch party as soon as we’re done with this.” You need to see this if only to see the real burger in comparison to everyday objects, like people’s heads.
You’ve stumbled onto a circle of people stirring a fiery liquid while slowly chanting about demons. Don’t panic – you are just witnessing the ancient Celtic ritual of Queimada (kay-MAH-da).
A Ritual Still Alive
This pagan ritual dates back to the eleventh century when Celtic tribes roamed the north western Spanish providence of Galicia. Made from a recipe that’s been handed down from generation to generation, this fiery liquid is still made today at Galician festivals, parties, and community gatherings as a way to drive out evil spirits who patiently wait to curse poor, unsuspecting souls.
The drink is prepared in a clay pot, which represents the earth. Galician aguardiente de orjuo, a distilled wine with extremely high alcohol content, represents water (or the tears of Mother Nature) and becomes the base of this drink. The aguardiente de orjuo is mixed with herbs or coffee, sugar, lemon peel, and coffee beans.
A flame is ignited over the cauldron and the alcohol begins to burn, representing light. Sugar is scooped from the bottom of the clay pot, creating a beautiful cascade of blue fire as it caramelizes. When the flames finally subside, a hot, tan colored beverage is left to be ladled into clay cups.
A Spell to Ward Off Evil
As the flames rise from the burning sugar, a dark incantation is chanted in Spanish. This incantation or spell is actually a poem called “conxuro” (con-SHU-roh) and protects the soul from evil spirits that are near; it includes such significant lines as:
With this bellows I will pump the flames of this fire which looks like from Hell, and witches will flee, straddling their brooms…and when this beverage goes down our throats, we will get free of the evil of our soul and of any charm.
Forces of air, earth, sea and fire, to you I make this call: iI it’s truth that you have more power than human peple, here and now, make the spirits of the friends who are outside, take part with us in this Queimada.
More Than Just A Good Buzz
Legend says that the first sip of the Queimada purifies the soul by banishing out evil spirits, the second cleans the mind of prejudices, and the third gives rise to passion.
Community Connection
Feeling ghoulish? Learn how to make sugar skulls for Dia de los Muertos. Drinking internationally? Check out our tips for drinking in Prague and Iceland.
Your perspective is wanted here. Photo and Feature Photo: Joshua Rappeneker
Matador Nights is about strong perspectives.
While we like to know why good things are good, we also revel in the sour, the acerbic, the witty, and the cutting.
If you’re getting tired of people jokingly saying to you, “Yeah! But tell us what you really think,” then you should probably consider submitting something to us.
Ask yourself the following questions:
-Do I have stories about shows, concerts, festivals, restaurants, clubs, meals, or drunken escapades wherein the story is heavily reliant on place?
-Are these my go-to stories that I tell new people to get to know them and in order that they can get to know me?
-Do people laugh at these stories?
If you answered yes to the preceding questions, we are looking for your stories.
Tell the truth.
Let it all hang out.
Laugh at yourself and others.
You may contact me directly with pitches at kate [at] matadornetwork [dot] com. I will be reading for thoughtful presentation. Do your best. Put “I submit!” in the subject line so I know you read this.
Original Photo (used also as feature photo): allygirl520 , Remix by Kate Sedgwick and licensed CC, so spread the love, but give credit where credit is due.
Lately the word ‘douche’ has been thrown around all too often – so much in fact that it’s meaning has become significantly diluted.
It occurred to me in my study late one night that there exists a real need to quantify douchey-ness in standard terms; the douche who eats the last muffin at work must be distinguished from the douche who runs over your dog with his Trans-Am.
After generous proportions of scotch and much pipe smoking contemplation, I feverishly went about creating a mathematical model which I have tentatively named the Cook based Coefficient of Douche (CCD).
Quite simply it is a relative comparison of douchey-ness to the greatest douche known to man, one Dane Cook.
In formulaic terms it is (measured douche)/(Dane Cook) = CCD.
It should be noted that since no one is more douchey that Cook, the CCD will always be less than or equal to one.
In this manner douches can clearly be ranked in order of magnitude so that light hearted arguments in bars about whose boss is the stupidest asshole can quickly be settled.
I am pleased to submit my work to MatadorNights.com for an open debate of its merits.
