Photo: Author

As I walked out of the Fiesta Mart on 38th, I looked down into the plastic bag I carried, 16 shiny aluminum 24oz tallboy tops looking back at me. This whole taste test thing had just gotten a little too real. My stomach clenched.

I got a lot of great suggestions on which beers to include from the comments here: Introducing Matador’s “Best Worst Beer” Experiment. To be honest, I had no idea Schlitz was still “brewed.”

Based on these recommendations and plenty of personal experience, I chose a field of 16 shitty beers, focusing on what I felt were “American classics.” I stayed away from malt liquor. I didn’t even consider going the Chelada route.

Here’s what the full complement looked like, divided more or less randomly into four World Cup-esque brackets:

Graphic: aya

Round 1

I gathered four distinguished (read: with extensive beer-demolishing experience) judges, including myself, and in round 1 each bracket was tasted by a single judge, with the worst two beers honored with a ticket to the quarterfinals.

The upsets started immediately. Budweiser was picked to go through over storied swill “The Beast,” Ice House lost out to Coors Light, and Natty Light was kept back while Coors Banquet Beer went through.

In a personal shocker, I later learned that Michelob Ultra, which I have on many occasions described as “not that bad,” was in my group and received my harshest critique (something along the lines of “vile piss”) in this blind taste scenario.

The results after round 1:

Graphic: aya

Quarterfinals

Here, judge #1 split off from the group to become the moderator, and the remaining three judges tasted everything going forward.

Quarterfinal 1 saw Schlitz and the High Life win out easily over contenders Coors and Michelob Ultra. In the second group of four, Keystone Light dodged a bullet while its counterparts from Miller and Coors advanced to head-to-head competition.

Things started to get icky at this point. Even with 8 beers to sample, they were so similarly foul that the judges had to take multiple sips from our big blue Solo cups to get an accurate result. I noticed — in my mouth at least — a very unpleasant and filmy taste starting to develop.

Breath factor: Post-frat-party hangover

Photo: Author

The Semis

But we soldiered on. Head-to-head proved a bit less daunting, and first up was Schlitz v. Miller Lite. Once again, the favorite fell, and amid cries of disgust Miller was sent on to the finals.

Matchup 2 produced a similar result, with Coors Light being picked over the High Life. The stage was set.

Breath factor: Freshly belched bile

Third Place Match

We hadn’t come this far not to complete a proper ranking. Although, by this time we were feeling very “done.” After a quick sip, sip, confer, the runner-up results were finalized:

• 4th place: Miller High Life
• 3rd place: the Schlitz

Well played!

Here’s how things looked just before the highly anticipated final match:

Graphic: aya

Finals

This was for the title. In both semifinal rounds, we had gone with the selection offering a subtle taste of chemical death over that which took the tart, putrid approach. So the two finalists were quite similar, quite toxic.

But it didn’t take many tastes (thankfully), for the supreme and most definitely worst beer in America to be chosen…

Breath factor: Morgue

And the Winner Is … !

Photo: Author

Oh, it was a hard-fought honor, to be sure. But the inventor of the “cold activated bottle” left nothing to chance. Coors Light combines all the watery goodness of true American panther piss, and adds a subtle dash of that unmistakable formaldehyde flavoring that gives it the edge.

Miller Lite gratefully accepted its second-place ranking, good sport — if not good brew — to the end.

Bonus: Least of the Worst

Maybe it was the suds talking, but all four judges were feeling pretty good after the final. So we decided to take the 8 beers that had been knocked out in round 1 and judge which we hated least.

I’ll spare the details, but the top four least worst beers in America ranking shocked the four of us:

• 4th: Busch Light
• 3rd: Busch
• 2nd: Bud Light
• 1st: Natty Light

I will never make fun of the Nat again.

Community Connection

A good science experiment must be replicable. Before you challenge these results, I encourage you to conduct your own taste test (observing the proper parameters moderation and common sense, of course). I’d love to hear how it turns out.

Photo: Author

PEOPLE LOVE TO BITCH about American beer. Not excluding Americans. We proudly rag on the mild urine undertones of Keystone Light, the corned beef hash infusion of the Beast, and the dead-on approximation of formaldehyde that is Steel Reserve.

I’ve downed a lot of swill, but I have yet to determine the answer to what seems like a very important question: Which one is most deserving of our abuse? What is the SHITTIEST beer in America?

You probably have your opinion, but I want to get scientific. So over the next couple weeks, I and a handful of judges will be blind taste tasting 16 of the worst offenders. In the end, only the foulest will remain standing (or, warm and flat in a half-full plastic cup ditched behind the couch the night before because it was just too vile).

And to do this, we need your help. We want to hear your nominations for the “best worst beer” our nation has to offer.

I don’t want to get into the finer points of who owns what and where which is bottled. For eligibility, we’re talking classic American panther piss, mainstream enough that you can find it anywhere in the country (and especially in Austin, so I can buy it).

Bud Light, MGD, Natty, yes. Heineken, Tecate, Spaten, no.

Got it? So let’s hear it! Leave your nomination (or five) in the comments section below.

My wife and I ride the seesaw between full-on veganism and a pack of hyenas. But when we heard about Mercado del Puerto, there was no question which side we’d end up on in Montevideo.

1. The mercado is situated in an atmospheric building that resembles a train station. Windows in the roof let in lots of light, and there’s an old-timey clock tower in the center. Joint’s got class.
All photos: a song under the sugar sugar + author

2. All the restaurants are basically the same…and they all want YOU! If you don’t have the dismissive head shake down, you’ll likely be bullied into sitting in the first chair you pass.

3. Each restaurant has up to three side-by-side operations going on: the bar, exposed tables, and a “fancier” enclosed dining room.

4. We finally settled on the bar at Estancia del Puerto. One of the asadores tosses a log into the central fire, while our boisterous host (let’s call him Diego) scans the aisles for other passersby to shout over.

5. The full spread.

6. Before long, our selections come out. Let’s see…we’ve got a couple of gigantic sweetbreads (molleja), blood sausage (morcilla), regular sausage (chorizo), “Munich-style” sausage (this was super dense and kinda disgusting), red bell pepper (morrón), and a baked potato.

7. Nothing like a meal by the fire.

8. My wife tapped out early, so I was forced (arm twist) to put away the leftovers.

9. The work on the parrilla never stopped. Dripping with sweat, Diego joked that he stayed hydrated by downing red wine. He then promptly reached under the counter, hoisted a gigantic cup of iced tea, and took a five-second pull.

10. You can’t see me in this one, but by the time it was all over, I felt just like that parrillador in the background. I was ready to stumble home and shower off the meat sweats.

Community Connection

If you’re curious about other places to stuff your face in Uruguay, check in with Matador’s destination expert on the country.

The main attraction is a 20-hour nonstop dancing parade accompanied by marching bands. Thirty-five thousand or so performers trace a 4km route through the city, which is lined with bleachers to accommodate the estimated half million spectators.

Each group performs its take on one of Bolivia’s traditional dance styles, with troupes from all across the country participating. Unique dress and costumes help distinguish the regional and stylistic affiliations of the different performers.

Of course, it’s not all about sitting and watching the dancers go by. Bolivian Carnaval is defined by intense water balloon wars and attacks utilizing other types of (relatively) harmless weapons, such as spray cans full of foam. Prepare to get dirty… very, very dirty.

There’s no shortage of variety in the costumes donned by performers, from the colorful and quaint…

…to the downright bizarre.

The energy only ratchets up with the setting of the sun. Festivities continue through the night until the sun rises once again on the wild, messy, frenetic streets of Oruro, Bolivia.

Community Connection

Check out our other Carnaval reports from 09, including Barranquilla, Colombia.