Ride Warrior

ROLLER COASTERS ARE TOTALLY EXTREME. If they were trying to capture what it’s like at your standard American amusement park then they should have posted footage of 5000 morbidly obese children standing in line, clutching stuffed Tasmanian Devils and shoving blimp-sized cotton candy clouds down their throats which would later be vomited into their bumper cars.

Instead they went with the “Ride Warrriors”, a focus group-approved collection of racially diverse twenty-something actors who have likely never entered an amusement park in their lives. These buffoons strike tough poses and claim idiotic titles like “The Diva of Drop”.

If any of these actors ever hit it big later in life and look back on this ad, it will be the equivalent of looking at your significant other’s high school yearbook and discovering they were captain of the chess team.

Palm Pre

This is possibly the most maligned ad campaign in recent memory. This series of surreal commercials feature a pale skinned waif who speaks and acts as though she’s been anesthetized.

She rambles inanely about experiences she’s had that compare to the Palm Pre, but her creepy behavior distracts so powerfully from the product that the viewer is left wondering what the hell he just saw.

At times, it feels as though someone is conducting a psychological evaluation of an emotionally disturbed individual, as the sickly looking figure talks to herself and stares into thin air. Naturally, Modernista! (exclamation point!), the ad firm responsible for this garbage, is taking the stance that any buzz is good buzz because you remember the ad. I call this the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder approach to advertising.

Olive Garden

If there was a lifetime achievement award for perennially terrible commercials, I’d be handing it to The Olive Garden. Theirs feature an impossibly jovial bunch of yuppies guffawing over heaps of salad and pasta, supposedly having the time of their lives while delivering one-liners that elicit maniacal laughter from the rest of the table and stone faced silence from the average TV viewer.

The latest masterpiece features a mother and her teenage son “bonding”. In reality, this commercial would feature awkward silence, no eye contact, and a look of resigned disappointment on Mom’s face – but that doesn’t move breadsticks, people!

GM Reinvention

For me, this is easily the most dishonest and offensive of the lot. By filling this piece of drek with inspiring images like sunrises, sports scenes, and waving American flags, GM is assuming that the average viewer has the intellectual maturity of a kindergartener.

It’s as if they think that their years of blocking the electric car, refusal to produce more fuel-efficient vehicles, and otherwise total failure as a company will be forgotten if they show us a football touchdown with a GM logo on it.

The sad part is, the average mouth-breathing TV viewer probably will. The only bright spot here is the corresponding spoof ad that captures my feelings on this trash perfectly.

Progressive Insurance

You know Flo as the gratingly bubbly character on the Progressive Insurance commercials where shoppers browse for insurance in boxes on shelves in an expanse of white space. The wild-eyed Flo sports an unfortunate amount of lipstick and acts as if she’s just drank a case of Red Bull.

I just have to ask: What is the appeal? There are five million different versions of Flo helping out some clueless sod who seems to have never heard of the concept of insurance, lurking about the store as if it were a minefield.

Oh I see – Flo is our obnoxious ambassador in the big scary world of um, purchasing insurance?

McDonald’s McNuggets

Oh, where to begin. McDonald’s continues its proud tradition of racially offensive commercials by creating a love triangle, complete with McNuggets and an R&B song.

Here we have a hungry Romeo pleading to his ladyfriend to share her secret. He asks her if she’s been “dippin” on him. It’s like he’s jealous of her McNuggets tryst one minute, and then wants to join in at the end. One begins to wonder if our protagonist would rather be in bed with the woman or her nuggets. Or both.

Def Leppard’s Joe Eliot. As important as Robert Plant? We think not. Photo: shawna_mail

Sometimes, old rock bands are able to stay vital and relevant. Take the Rolling Stones – yes, they are a bit haggard looking, but the old bastards can still put on a great show. Or Sonic Youth, who’ve just released a new album and have remained influential for almost 30 years now, shunning convention all along the way. The following bands, not so much.

Aerosmith

This band has cancelled seven dates on their summer tour because Steven Tyler pulled a leg muscle. They’re now moving forward, but without bassist Tom Hamilton, who is recovering from “non-invasive” surgery. The good news is that guitarist Brad Whitford is back after emergency surgery, following an accident where he somehow bumped his head on his Ferrari. Seriously?

The phrase “the band is falling apart” is usually a figure of speech, but Aerosmith is actually physically disintegrating.

Aerosmith erodes. Photo: jaywestphotography

Def Leppard

Generally speaking, you might let nostalgia get the better of you on this one and say, “Oh well, let these 80’s metal dudes have their fun.” I would have agreed with you, until I read this quote from Def Leppard vocalist Joe Eliot in a 2006 Rolling Stone article:

“If we’re hair metal, so are Led Zeppelin. Warrant and Ratt were hair metal. We’re not. We were always better than that.”

Sugar Ray

After spending four years hosting gossip show Extra, lead singer Mark McGrath has apparently tired of working on douchey TV shows. His solution? A return to making douchey music. Witness Sugar Ray’s new album, Music for Cougars. I wish I was kidding.

The Dink From Sugar Ray. Photo: squirrelnut

Ozzy Osbourne

This one hurts. Ozzy was at one time one of the most badass rockers on the planet. He was the lead singer for Black Sabbath. War Pigs? C’mon man, it doesn’t get more badass than that song.

Somehow, all of this former glory makes his transformation into a feeble old man even more painful to watch. Seeing him shuffle around his mansion in slippers, appearing lost and trailed by a small army of yapping canines has completely vaporized the wild-eyed rocker image that took him decades to cultivate.

There are times when I see him onstage now, and I see the same expression on his face that I saw when volunteering at the local old folks home.

New Kids on the Block

Just when we’d rid ourselves of these smarmy monkeys, along came their more popular and insidious spawn, the Backstreet Boys and N’Sync. Somehow, we endured. Timberlake and Co. grew up, and the days of boy bands were behind us. Or so we thought. You can catch the now ironically-named “New Kids” at your local pavilion or amphitheater this summer.

Old Adults On The Block. Photo: nkotbofficial

Creed

Scott Stapp and his and the rest of the band will be back on tour starting this August, with a new album to follow. Cue insufferable rock-god poses.

Stapp is sporting a newly shaven head and will no doubt refer to this as a physical metaphor for putting the past behind him during interviews, if he hasn’t already. As long as he doesn’t get drunk, insult another band and get his ass kicked in a hotel lobby, Creed will be fine.

The thought of Scott Stapp inspiring such anger is almost funny though – it’s like getting mad at a bowl of oatmeal.

Scott Stapp. A Turn On? Photo: dinkgrave

Motley Crue

Last summer answered the dreams of garbage collectors and landscapers everywhere – Cruefest was born, offering up a summer staged by Motley Crue, Buckcherry, Papa Roach, Sixx:AM and Trapt. This year brings us Crue Fest 2: The White Trash Circus (yes, this is the real name), with Godsmack, Theory of a Deadman, Drowning Pool, and Charm City Devils.

Community Connection:

Music is alive and well at Matador. Be sure to check out our tips for this summer’s BEST shows, as well as our preview of music festivals in the UK. For more about Def Leppard, check out this post by Nights co-editor Tom Gates.

Amoeba Records is sacred ground. Photo: rick

Amoeba Records, San Francisco

Amoeba’s sheer scale might be unmatched on this list. Not only is their LP collection impressive, but it includes the nearly extinct 78 format, as well as freshly pressed 45s from all over the world. Every genre is represented and kept up to date with new releases and flushed with rarities. Truly impressive.

Gramaphone Records, Chicago

Photo: vhf

Known as perhaps the greatest house music shop on earth, Gramaphone maintains and caters to professional DJs.

Their store stocks all sub-genres of dance, as well as DJ equipment like needles and turntables. Gramaphone is a landmark in the house music scene.

Wah Wah Records Barcelona

If you asked a vinyl freak to paint a picture of their ideal record shop, you’d get something that looked a whole lot like the awesomely named Wah Wah Records in Barcelona’s Raval neighborhood. They stock both classic LPs and the latest dance records, and the stock is continuously evolving.

Vinyl Junkies, London

Vinyl Junkies has the latest and rarest records. Professional DJs can often be found digging the stacks, but the store’s relaxed atmosphere makes all customers feel welcome and it enjoys a good reputation in dance music circles.

Fat Beats, New York

Photo (and feature photo): pheezy

Fat Beats is legendary for east coast hip hop heads. Strangely, the shop is almost hidden from pedestrians, located on the second floor of a nondescript building on Sixth Avenue.

A flight of stairs leads up to one of the most impressive hip hop collections on earth, from new releases to old school tracks and battle records. When I stopped in there was a DJ cutting in the corner.

Hard to Find Records

Birmingham, UK

Hard to Find has broken down their collection into every possible sub genre, and has fully stocked listening stations with snacks, sodas, and couches near a wall of turntables. They also cater to the professional dj, and allow for in-store demos of their gear.

Community Connection

What record stores deserve shouts out from your neighborhood? Let us know in the comments!

And if you’re just a music head looking for more sounds, check out this collection of music blogs where you can get free playlists.